A Blog For Mums
Separation brings a whole new set of decisions, but one of the hardest is where the children will live. Kids get older, voices get louder, and you may eventually face the moment when your child says they want to live with the other parent. It can feel like a punch to the stomach even in the most amicable co-parenting setup.
There’s a lot of misunderstanding about what the law actually says, especially around whether there’s a specific age where children get to choose. Here’s how it really works across the UK, and what it can look like in everyday family life when a child under 16 wants to make a change.
In England and Wales, a child cannot legally choose where they live until they turn 16. Before that age, their views can be taken into account, but the decision ultimately rests with their parents—or with the family court, if an agreement can’t be reached.
Once a young person hits 16, they usually do get to decide their living arrangements unless there’s an unusual court order still in place.
So the pattern looks like this:
That said, the law still focuses overwhelmingly on one thing: the child’s welfare.
The Children Act 1989 is what guides courts on children’s living arrangements. Instead of old-school terms like “custody”, the courts now make Child Arrangements Orders (CAOs), which state:
If two parents disagree on living arrangements, either can apply to the family court for a CAO. But before making any decision, the judge has to use what’s known as the welfare checklist. One part of that list is the child’s wishes and feelings, considered in light of their age and understanding.
That doesn’t mean a child gets a deciding vote. It means their voice is part of the bigger picture, which also includes stability, schooling, emotional wellbeing, any safeguarding concerns, practicalities, and the impact of the arrangement on the whole family.
When a case goes to court, CAFCASS (the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) usually gets involved. A CAFCASS officer may speak to the child privately and pass on their views to the judge. Older children may even write a letter to the judge. The aim is to avoid putting the child in the middle of any direct conflict between parents.
As children get older, their wishes carry more weight, especially if their reasons are clear and consistent. But it’s never as simple as the child deciding. If, for example, an older child says they want to live with a parent who has concerns around safety, stability, or housing, the court would prioritise welfare over preference.
Once a child turns 16, the legal landscape shifts. In most cases:
There are exceptions, such as where safeguarding concerns exist, but generally speaking, teenagers of this age will “vote with their feet”. Courts recognise that forcing an older teen to stick to an arrangement they don’t want is rarely realistic.
The overall principles are similar across the UK, but the details vary.
Scottish law traditionally worked on a presumption that children aged 12 and over can form a view, but recent changes focus more on assessing a child’s capacity individually. A younger child can be heard if they’re able to express a view, and those views can be taken seriously even before 12.
Northern Ireland uses a system similar to England and Wales, based on the Children (Northern Ireland) Order 1995. Courts focus on welfare and take the child’s views into account according to their age and understanding. There’s no fixed age where the child decides.
A huge number of families never end up in court. The UK government actively encourages parents to reach their own agreements where it’s safe. If you’re co-parenting well, you have a lot of flexibility.
Your options include:
These are the everyday arrangements many families live by. They’re not legally binding, but they can be as detailed or relaxed as both parents are comfortable with.
CAFCASS offers a template you can use together. It sets out where the child lives, how time with each parent works, details about travel, routines, and communication. It helps keep things consistent and clear.
If you want to make an agreement legally binding without a dispute, you can apply jointly to the court for a consent order. It formalises the arrangement but doesn’t require a contested hearing.
Changing things doesn’t automatically require legal involvement. If everyone agrees and it’s in the child’s best interests, you can adapt arrangements yourselves.
This is one of the most difficult situations emotionally, even when you and your ex get along. It helps to pause, breathe, and remember that children’s wishes can reflect a whole range of things—not just who they “prefer”.
Here’s how it usually plays out in real life.
Children often don’t express things the way adults do. A request to live elsewhere might stem from:
Sometimes, it’s not about choosing between parents at all—it’s about navigating growing up and trying to make life feel a bit easier.
This conversation is usually much easier if you and your ex already co-parent well, but even then it can feel raw. Try to keep the focus on the child rather than on how either parent feels about the change.
Sharing information can help:
Even if you don’t agree straightaway, the fact you’re discussing it calmly can help prevent things becoming stressful for the child.
A temporary change is often a low-pressure way to see what works. For example, you might try:
This lets everyone assess how the child is coping without turning it into a permanent commitment overnight. Many families find that the idea of a move feels very different from the reality, and a trial helps clarify things.
Even when both parents agree in principle, a move can have ripple effects. You may need to look at:
Talking through the practical stuff together helps you understand whether the move is genuinely in the child’s best interests or whether adjustments to the current setup might do the job.
Children can quickly feel responsible for adult decisions, especially if they think their choice could hurt one parent’s feelings. Keep reinforcing:
When the emotional weight is lifted, children often open up much more honestly about what they really want.
Child Arrangements Orders can be changed, but only if all parents with parental responsibility agree or the court approves a variation. If you both agree a move is in the child’s best interests, you can either update the arrangement informally or apply together for a new consent order.
If you don’t agree, one of you can apply to vary the order. The court will look again at the child’s welfare and their current wishes—particularly if they’re older. Judges are aware that teenagers often follow their own preferences anyway, so the older the child, the harder it is to enforce an arrangement they don’t want.
No matter what arrangement you settle on, children need stability and reassurance. A few things can help:
Children handle change much better when they feel heard but not burdened.
If emotions are running high, if there are concerns around safety or neglect, or if you can’t agree even after discussion, it’s sensible to get advice from a family solicitor or a specialist organisation.
Many offer free initial guidance, and it can help you understand how the law applies to your specific situation.
There’s no single perfect answer to where a child should live after separation—it depends on the child, the parents, and the circumstances. But the law is clear: children don’t get to choose outright before 16, even though their feelings become more important as they get older.
The best outcomes usually come from parents who can talk openly, listen fully, and put their child’s wellbeing ahead of everything else.
Children and the Law
