A Blog For Mums
We all want the best for our kids, but when does that urge to help and protect start doing more harm than good?
As a mum who’s seen the impacts of overparenting up close, I feel compelled to share what I’ve learned about helicopter parenting. I’ve watched friends hover anxiously over their children’s every move, and I’ve noticed how it affects both the kids and the parents themselves.
After doing loads of research on the topic, I’m convinced that this well-intentioned but misguided approach does more harm than good.
If you’re wondering whether you might be veering into helicopter territory – or if you’re looking for a more positive way to parent – read on for some eye-opening insights.
Helicopter parenting goes beyond simply being involved and attentive. It’s characterised by an excessive level of control and supervision that can stifle a child’s independence. Some telltale signs include:
While the term is often associated with parents of teens or young adults, this overly protective style can start much earlier. Even with toddlers, some mums and dads hover anxiously, ready to swoop in at the first sign of struggle.
The intentions behind helicopter parenting are usually good – we want to keep our kids safe and help them succeed. But taken too far, this approach can backfire in significant ways.
Understanding the motivations behind helicopter parenting can help us recognise and address these tendencies in ourselves. Some common reasons include:
For many of us, it’s a combination of factors. We live in a culture that often equates intensive parenting with good parenting. Add in social media pressures and a 24/7 news cycle highlighting every possible danger, and it’s no wonder we feel compelled to hover.
But recognising these influences can help us take a step back and evaluate whether our level of involvement is truly serving our children’s best interests.
While helicopter parents have the best of intentions, this approach can have serious drawbacks for children’s development. Some of the potential negative impacts include:
When we constantly step in to solve our kids’ problems, we rob them of the chance to develop crucial critical thinking and decision-making abilities. The prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for these skills – needs exercise to grow strong. By doing everything for our children, we inadvertently weaken this vital “muscle.”
Hovering sends an implicit message that we don’t trust our kids to handle things on their own. Over time, this can erode their confidence and belief in their own capabilities. They may become overly reliant on others for validation and struggle to form an independent identity.
Children who are constantly shielded from disappointment or failure don’t learn how to manage difficult emotions. This can lead to higher levels of anxiety when faced with challenges later in life. They may lack the resilience to bounce back from setbacks.
By taking care of every little task, helicopter parents prevent kids from mastering basic self-care and household skills. This can leave them ill-equipped for independent living as young adults.
When parents cater to their child’s every whim, it can foster unrealistic expectations about how the world works. These kids may struggle to adapt when things don’t always go their way.
Overly enmeshed parent-child relationships can make it harder for children to form healthy attachments with peers. They may also have trouble setting appropriate boundaries in future relationships.
It’s not just the children who suffer from helicopter parenting. This intensive approach can take a toll on parents as well:
Many helicopter parents find themselves exhausted and unfulfilled, despite their best efforts to do everything “right.” It’s a lose-lose situation that leaves both parents and children worse off.
If you’re wondering whether you’ve crossed the line into helicopter territory, here are some red flags to watch out for:
It’s natural to exhibit some of these behaviours occasionally. But if you recognise a consistent pattern, it may be time to reassess your approach.
Letting go of helicopter tendencies doesn’t mean becoming uninvolved or neglectful. Rather, it’s about finding a healthy balance that allows children to develop independence within a supportive framework. When we step back appropriately, we give our kids the chance to:
By allowing our children to face age-appropriate challenges, we prepare them to navigate the complexities of adult life with confidence and competence.
If you’ve recognised some helicopter tendencies in yourself, don’t beat yourself up! It comes from a good place and it’s never too late to adjust your parenting approach. Here are some strategies to help you step back and improve your child’s independence:
Allow your child to experience the logical outcomes of their choices (within reason, of course). If they forget their pocket money, let them go without treats that day. If they don’t study for a test, let them face the disappointing grade. These experiences teach valuable lessons.
When your child encounters a challenge, resist the urge to jump in with a solution. Instead, ask open-ended questions to guide their thinking: “What ideas do you have to solve this?” “What might happen if you try that approach?” Help them get there by themselves.
Give your child tasks they can manage independently, even if it means things won’t be done perfectly. This might include making their bed, packing their school bag, or helping with simple household chores.
Resist the urge to overschedule. Free play is crucial for developing creativity, social skills, and self-regulation. Let your child be bored sometimes – it’s the birthplace of imagination.
Instead of fixating on grades or achievements, praise effort and perseverance. This helps children develop a growth mindset and intrinsic motivation.
Let your child see you navigate challenges and setbacks. Talk through your problem-solving process and demonstrate resilience when things don’t go as planned.
As your child demonstrates responsibility, incrementally expand their boundaries. This might mean walking to a friend’s house alone or managing their own homework schedule.
Make sure your identity isn’t solely wrapped up in your child’s life. Pursue hobbies and maintain adult friendships to model a healthy, balanced lifestyle.
As we move away from helicopter parenting, it’s helpful to have a positive framework to guide our interactions. Here are some principles of positive parenting that can create a nurturing environment while fostering independence:
Remember, the goal is to raise capable, confident adults who can navigate the world successfully. By providing a secure base from which they can explore and grow, we give our children the best chance at long-term success and happiness.
Stepping back from helicopter parenting doesn’t mean we stop caring or being involved in our children’s lives. It’s about finding that sweet spot where we provide support and guidance while allowing our kids the space to develop their own strengths and abilities.
As I’ve watched friends struggle with the consequences of overparenting, I’ve become increasingly convinced of the importance of this balanced approach. It’s not always easy – we’ll inevitably make mistakes and have moments of anxiety. But by consciously working to curb our hovering tendencies, we give our children an invaluable gift: the confidence to spread their own wings and soar.
After all, in the big bad world they won’t have someone constantly shielding them from disappointment and pain. You aren’t doing them any favours by sending them out into the world unprepared to cope with it.
So the next time you feel the urge to swoop in and rescue your child from a challenge, take a deep breath and ask yourself: “What would happen if I step back and let them handle this?” You might be amazed at what they can accomplish when given the chance.
Parenthood