A Blog For Mums
Every parent has that moment — the one where you hear yourself saying something wildly unrealistic like, “Right, that’s it! No TV for a month!” before instantly regretting it. Maybe you’ve also muttered “You’re grounded for the weekend” through gritted teeth, only to realise you’ve punished yourself too, because now you’re stuck indoors with a sulking child for two days.
We all do it. It’s part of the parental cycle of frustration, negotiation and, eventually, reflection. But it does raise a genuine question that most of us end up asking ourselves sooner or later: do punishments for kids actually work? Or are we just doing what our parents did because we can’t think of anything better in the heat of the moment?
The word “punishment” has a certain heaviness to it. It conjures up strict teachers, red-faced shouting, and kids being sent to their rooms for hours. But for most parents today, that’s not what we’re trying to achieve. When we talk about “punishment,” what we usually mean is a consequence — something that helps a child understand that their behaviour wasn’t acceptable and encourages them to make a better choice next time.
In practice, though, it doesn’t always come across that way. We’re human, after all. When you’re running late, the toddler is refusing to put shoes on, and someone’s just scribbled on the wall in biro, calm rationality isn’t exactly easy to find. We react. And when we do, the “lesson” we’re trying to teach can quickly turn into something that just feels like anger.
That’s the tricky part. The difference between punishment and discipline is emotional tone. Discipline teaches. Punishment often just shuts things down. And children, being children, don’t learn much from being shouted at other than how to shout back.
According to guidance from the NSPCC and NHS, punishment-based parenting tends to produce short-term obedience rather than long-term understanding. Harsh or unpredictable consequences — things like shouting, smacking, or removing privileges for long periods — might stop the behaviour in the moment but don’t help a child develop self-control or empathy.
Children learn best when boundaries are clear and consistent, and when consequences are explained calmly. They need to understand why something is wrong, not just that it’s “bad.” The goal is to guide, not scare.
That’s where “positive discipline” comes in. It’s not about being a pushover — it’s about making consequences make sense. If a child refuses to tidy their toys, for example, a fair consequence might be that the toys get put away and they can’t play with them until tomorrow. It’s logical, short-term, and teaches responsibility without humiliation.
When a child gets punished without understanding the reason, they don’t reflect on what they did — they focus on how unfair it felt. A six-year-old who loses screen time for a week isn’t thinking, “Next time I’ll remember to share my toys.” They’re thinking, “Mum’s mean and I hate this.”
And when punishments are too extreme, they lose credibility. If you’ve ever banned a device “forever” and then handed it back two days later because you couldn’t bear another tantrum, you’re not alone — but kids remember that. It teaches them that rules are flexible if they push hard enough, which only makes discipline harder in the long run.
Then there’s the emotional side. Overly harsh punishments can create anxiety or resentment, especially if they’re inconsistent. Children might behave better out of fear of punishment, but that doesn’t mean they’ve learned empathy, respect, or problem-solving.
What seems to work best, according to most child psychologists and seasoned parents alike, are calm, consistent, and age-appropriate consequences that are directly linked to the behaviour. They don’t need to be dramatic — just logical and fair.
Here are some examples that tend to strike the right balance:
The most effective parents aren’t necessarily the strictest — they’re the most predictable. When children know what to expect, they feel secure. If rules are clear and the same every time, they’ll quickly learn the boundaries. But if the reaction changes depending on your mood or stress level, it confuses them and undermines your authority.
Consistency also applies to both parents. If one parent says “no screens” and the other quietly hands the tablet back to keep the peace, the message gets lost. Kids are experts at finding cracks in adult logic — they’ll exploit any inconsistency within minutes.
At its core, discipline is about teaching children self-control, empathy, and respect. It’s not about control or compliance for its own sake. We want our children to understand that their actions have consequences, not just that misbehaviour earns punishment.
That’s why connection is so important. A child who feels secure and understood is far more likely to respond to discipline than one who feels constantly criticised. When you can separate the behaviour from the child — “I didn’t like what you did,” rather than “You’re naughty” — it keeps the focus on learning, not shame.
Parenting isn’t a neat science. Even with the best intentions, there’ll be moments where tempers flare, threats are made, and everyone ends up in tears. That’s normal. What matters more is what happens after. If you can apologise, reset, and keep trying, you’re doing exactly what you’re asking your child to do — learn from mistakes.
Ultimately, punishments on their own rarely work in the way we want them to. What works is guidance, structure, and patience — repeated over and over again, until it sticks. The goal isn’t obedience for its own sake; it’s raising thoughtful, responsible little humans who understand that their choices matter.
And if that means occasionally muttering “No TV for a week!” before quietly downgrading it to “no TV until after dinner,” you’re in good company. The best parents aren’t perfect — just persistent.
Parenthood
