A Blog For Mums
Lies. I’ve been there – that moment when you realise your little one has told a fib. It can feel like a punch to the gut, leaving you worried and wondering where you went wrong.
But take heart.
Lying is actually a normal part of child development. While it may be frustrating, it’s not a sign that you’re failing as a parent or that your child is destined for a life of deception.
In this article, I’ll share what I’ve learned about why children lie, how to respond effectively, and ways to encourage honesty. We’ll explore age-appropriate strategies to handle lying, from toddlers to teens.
With some understanding and the right approach, we can guide our kids towards honesty while maintaining a close, trusting relationship.
When my 4-year-old insisted she hadn’t eaten a biscuit without asking, despite the crumbs on her shirt, I’ll admit I felt a mix of frustration and disappointment. But before jumping to conclusions, it’s helpful to understand the reasons behind children’s lies.
Believe it or not, the ability to lie is actually a cognitive milestone. It requires complex thinking skills like understanding another person’s perspective and imagining alternative scenarios. So in a way, lying shows your child’s brain is developing normally.
Around ages 2-3, children start experimenting with lying, usually to avoid getting in trouble. By ages 4-5, they become more skilled at deception as their theory of mind develops. This means they can better understand that other people have different thoughts and knowledge than they do.
Children lie for many of the same reasons adults do:
Understanding the motivation behind the lie can help us respond more effectively. For example, a child lying about homework may be struggling with the subject and need extra support rather than punishment.
A quick note on this before I move on.
For young children especially, the line between reality and imagination can be blurry. A preschooler insisting they saw a unicorn in the garden isn’t necessarily lying – their vivid imagination may make it feel real to them.
As they develop, children learn to distinguish between fantasy and reality. So while reading the following advice, remember that pretending for play is not the same as trying to deceive.
I don’t want you to discourage your kids from using their imaginations.
When we catch our children in a lie, it’s natural to feel upset. But how we respond in that moment is crucial. Here are some common pitfalls to avoid:
Yelling, harsh punishments, or labeling your child a “liar” can damage trust and make future honesty less likely. Take a deep breath and stay calm.
Grilling your child or demanding they admit to lying often backfires. They may double down on the lie or become resentful.
While it may be tempting to set up situations to catch your child lying, this erodes trust and teaches them to be more secretive.
Saying things like “Your sister would never lie like this” or “I’m so ashamed of you” can harm self-esteem and parent-child relationships.
While overreacting is harmful, completely ignoring lies sends the message that dishonesty is acceptable.
Now that we’ve covered what not to do, let’s explore positive ways to address lying and encourage honesty:
Instead of labelling your child a liar, focus on the specific instance: “Telling me you didn’t eat the biscuit when you did is not being honest.”
Sometimes children need a moment to gather courage. Try saying, “I’m going to ask you again in a few minutes. This is your chance to tell me the truth without consequences.”
Rather than punitive measures, work together to find solutions. “How can we make sure you remember to ask before taking snacks next time?”
When your child does tell the truth, especially in difficult situations, offer praise and appreciation. This reinforces that honesty is valued and safe.
Children learn by example. Be mindful of your own honesty, including white lies or social fibs.
If consequences are necessary, make them related to the lie. For instance, if a child lied about completing homework, they might lose screen time until it’s done.
As children grow and develop, their understanding of truth and lies evolves. Let’s look at age-appropriate strategies for different stages:
At this age, children are just beginning to understand the concept of lying. Their fibs are often wishful thinking or attempts to avoid trouble.
Children this age are developing a stronger sense of right and wrong but may still struggle with impulse control.
Peer influence becomes stronger, and children may lie to fit in or avoid embarrassment.
Teens may lie to assert independence or keep parts of their lives private from parents.
While occasional lies are normal, persistent or elaborate lying may indicate deeper issues. Consider seeking professional help if:
A child psychologist or family therapist can help identify any underlying issues and provide strategies for the whole family.
When lying has become a pattern, it takes time and effort to rebuild trust. Here are some steps to take:
Dealing with lies can be challenging, but it’s also an opportunity to reinforce your family’s values and strengthen your relationship with your child. Remember, no child (or adult for that matter) is perfectly honest all the time. The goal is to create an environment where truth-telling feels safe and valued.
By responding to lies with calm understanding, addressing underlying needs, and consistently modelling honesty ourselves, we can guide our children towards becoming trustworthy individuals. It’s a journey that requires patience and perseverance, but the reward – a relationship built on mutual trust and open communication – is well worth the effort.
So the next time you catch your little one in a fib, take a deep breath. Remember that this is a normal part of growing up, and you have the tools to handle it positively. With love, understanding, and consistent guidance, you can help your child develop into an honest, trustworthy person.
Parenthood