A Blog For Mums
As a mum, I’ve often found myself utterly perplexed by my son’s behaviour. One moment, he’s a whirlwind of tantrums and defiance with me, and the next, he’s the picture of angelic obedience with his dad. It’s a scenario that’s left me questioning my parenting skills more times than I care to admit. If you’ve ever wondered, “Why does my child only act out with me?”, rest assured, you’re not alone in this bewildering parental experience.
This stark contrast in behaviour isn’t just in our imaginations. It’s a common phenomenon that many mums grapple with, often leaving us feeling inadequate or even jealous of our partners’ seemingly effortless parenting prowess. But before we dive into self-doubt or start planning how to clone our partner’s parenting style, it’s crucial to understand the complex dynamics at play.
In this article, we’ll explore the reasons behind this behavioural disparity, dive into the psychology of our little ones, and most importantly, learn how to navigate this challenging aspect of parenting.
When I first noticed my son’s Jekyll and Hyde act – angel for dad, little monster for mum – I was utterly baffled. But as I’ve come to understand, this behaviour isn’t a reflection of your parenting skills or your child’s preferences. Rather, it’s a testament to the deep emotional bond you’ve cultivated with your little one.
Think of yourself as your child’s emotional safe haven. In your presence, your little one feels an unparalleled sense of security that allows them to let their guard down completely. This emotional security blanket gives them the freedom to express themselves fully – tantrums, meltdowns, and all.
When your child acts out with you, they’re essentially saying, “I trust you enough to show you my worst self.” It’s a backhanded compliment of sorts, but a compliment nonetheless. They know that no matter how big their emotions get, your love remains constant.
With you, your child feels free to experience and express the full spectrum of their emotions. They don’t feel the need to put on a brave face or hide their true feelings. This uninhibited emotional expression often manifests as what we perceive as ‘misbehaviour’.
Your child’s seemingly defiant behaviour with you is also a way of testing boundaries. They’re learning about relationships, limits, and how the world works. And who better to experiment with than the person they trust the most?
Understanding this dynamic has been a game-changer for me. It’s helped me shift my perspective from feeling like a failure to recognising that I’m my child’s emotional anchor. So, the next time your little one throws a spectacular tantrum in your presence, try to see it as a sign of their deep trust in you. It’s not always easy, but it certainly puts things into perspective.
In many households, including mine, mums often take on the role of primary caregiver. We’re there for the morning rush, the after-school meltdowns, the bedtime battles, and everything in between. This increased exposure naturally leads to witnessing (and dealing with) more challenging behaviours.
It’s simple mathematics, really. If I spend six hours a day with my son and my husband spends two, statistically, I’m more likely to encounter more instances of difficult behaviour. It’s not that our children behave better for dad, it’s just that dad’s sample size is smaller.
Plus, let’s be honest, by the time bedtime rolls around, my patience reservoir is often running on fumes. The constant demands of parenting can leave us emotionally drained, making it harder to respond positively to our children’s behaviour. This emotional fatigue can inadvertently contribute to more challenging interactions.
When dad comes home from work or takes over on the weekend, he might be perceived as a novelty by our children. This change in routine can lead to increased engagement and enthusiasm from our little ones, often mistaken for “better” behaviour.
Understanding the time factor has been incredibly reassuring for me. It’s helped me realise that my son’s behaviour isn’t a reflection of my parenting skills, but rather a natural outcome of our daily dynamics. So, the next time you feel like your child is an angel for everyone but you, remember – you’re simply seeing more of the full picture.
As I continued my quest to understand why my son seemed to behave differently with his dad and me, I stumbled upon an eye-opening revelation: our parenting styles play a crucial role in shaping our children’s responses.
In our household, I tend to lean towards an authoritative parenting style. I set firm boundaries but I’m also open to discussion and negotiation. This approach often invites more pushback from my son, as he feels comfortable expressing his opinions and testing limits with me.
My husband, on the other hand, sometimes adopts a more authoritarian approach. He sets strict rules and expects immediate compliance. While this might result in quicker obedience, it doesn’t always allow for the emotional expression that my style encourages.
Then there are times when, exhausted from the daily grind, I find myself slipping into a more permissive style. I might start off strong but eventually cave in to avoid conflict. This inconsistency can lead to more challenging behaviour as my son learns that persistence pays off.
We’re both working towards a more conscious parenting style, where we maintain firm boundaries while collaborating with our son to stick to them. This approach seems to elicit more positive responses and builds problem-solving skills.
What I’ve learned is that our parenting styles aren’t set in stone. We often switch between styles depending on the situation, our energy levels, and our child’s needs. This flexibility can sometimes lead to inconsistent responses from our children.
I’ve noticed that when my husband and I align our parenting approaches, our son’s behaviour tends to be more consistent, regardless of which parent he’s with. This has highlighted the importance of presenting a united front in our parenting partnership.
Understanding the impact of parenting styles has been a game-changer for us. It’s encouraged us to reflect on our approaches, communicate more about our parenting strategies, and work towards consistency. Remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. The key is finding what works best for your family while maintaining consistency and open communication.
Mirror neurons are brain cells that fire both when we perform an action and when we observe someone else performing the same action. In children, these neurons play a crucial role in learning and social interaction.
I’ve noticed that when I’m stressed or irritable, my son’s behaviour often becomes more challenging. Conversely, when I’m calm and cheerful, he tends to mirror that positivity. It’s as if our emotions are contagious!
Our non-verbal cues speak volumes. When I’m tense, with furrowed brows and crossed arms, my son picks up on this and may become anxious or defensive. When I consciously relax my posture and facial expressions, I often see a positive shift in his behaviour.
On days when I’m energetic and enthusiastic, my son seems more cooperative and engaged. When I’m tired and withdrawn, he might act out to seek attention or express his own frustration with the low-energy atmosphere.
This mirror neuron effect might explain why children sometimes appear to behave better with dad. If dad comes home from work in a playful mood, ready to engage, children are likely to respond with matched enthusiasm and cooperation.
Understanding this mirroring effect has been empowering. It’s made me more conscious of my own emotional state and how it impacts my son. When I feel myself getting frustrated, I try to take a moment to reset, knowing that my calm can help calm him.
This knowledge has reinforced the importance of self-care in parenting. By taking care of our own emotional well-being, we’re indirectly nurturing our children’s behaviour and emotional health.
The mirror neuron effect has been a revelation in our household. It’s reminded me that as parents, we set the emotional tone for our family. While we can’t always control our circumstances, being aware of our own emotional state and its impact on our children can make a world of difference in managing behaviour. So, the next time you’re dealing with a challenging moment, take a deep breath, reset your own emotional state, and watch how it influences your little one.
As I continued to explore the reasons behind my son’s behavioural differences with his dad and me, I realised that our communication styles play a crucial role. The way we express love, set boundaries, and interact with our children can significantly influence their responses.
I’ve always been a talker, explaining things in detail to my son. While this can be great for his vocabulary, I’ve noticed it sometimes leads to more negotiations and arguments. My husband, on the other hand, tends to use fewer words, which can result in quicker compliance.
Just like adults, children have their own love languages. Some respond better to physical touch, others to words of affirmation. Understanding and using my son’s preferred love language has improved our communication and reduced conflicts.
I’ve also learned that effective communication is as much about listening as it is about speaking. When I truly listen to my son, validating his feelings before responding, I’ve noticed a positive shift in his behaviour.
As my son grows, I’m learning to adapt my communication style to his developmental stage. What worked when he was a toddler doesn’t necessarily work now.
Understanding the impact of our communication styles has been transformative. It’s encouraged me to be more mindful of how I interact with my son, not just what I say. Remember, effective communication is a skill that takes practice. By being aware of our communication patterns and their effects, we can foster better understanding and cooperation with our children.
In conclusion, understanding why our children might behave differently with mum and dad involves recognising the deep emotional bond we share with our children, appreciating the impact of time spent together, acknowledging different parenting styles, and understanding the influence of our own emotions and communication patterns.
Throughout this exploration, I’ve learned that what might seem like ‘better’ behaviour with dad often isn’t about better or worse at all. It’s about different dynamics, different roles, and different ways of interacting. The challenging behaviours we sometimes face as mums are often a testament to the secure attachment we’ve fostered with our children.
The key takeaways from this journey have been:
Remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. What matters most is that we continue to learn, grow, and adapt to meet our children’s needs. By doing so, we’re not just managing behaviour – we’re nurturing resilient, emotionally intelligent individuals who feel safe to express themselves fully.
So, the next time you find yourself wondering why your child seems to behave better for dad, take a moment to appreciate the unique and vital role you play in your child’s life. You’re their safe harbour, their emotional anchor, and that is something truly special.
Parenthood